Changes, pt. 2

I promised a sequel to my last post about changes, and here it is!

For a long time, I've been struggling with various emotional and spiritual issues that, in retrospect, are probably very much tied together. When I started this blog I was still a student at Bryn Mawr College, and for a million tiny reasons and one massive one, I decided to hightail it out of Dodge to a college a little closer to home (and a lot cheaper, to boot). Part of me misses Bryn Mawr very much, and I do and will cherish parts of my two years spent there, but my stress levels have absolutely leveled out since starting this semester at Roanoke College. The academics are much easier here than at Bryn Mawr, it's true, but it never really was the schoolwork that had me as exhausted and miserable as I was last year (particularly last semester).

The social atmosphere is less demanding. I don't have to hide huge parts of myself at Roanoke, and I don't have to live in fear of what my peers would think if/when I eventually snapped and what I was really thinking came out of my mouth. I'm not really a fan of situations that exist without transparency, and when it comes right down to it, Bryn Mawr did a massive total on all aspects of my being, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, I'm dealing with severe self-esteem and anxiety issues (more on that later), I have problems putting aside academics to make time for myself (actual time that I enjoy, not just procrastinating on the internet), and I've been spiritually lost and unsatisfied for a long, long time. Sad to say, most of the lessons I learned at Bryn Mawr were about the type of environment I don't thrive in. Important to learn, yes. Incredibly difficult and painful to learn, double yes.

But now that I'm not living with constant pressure, guilt, and stress, I'm beginning to peel back the layers that I've caked on myself and looking at where I really need to be. I'm not happy with myself, and I've started to take responsibility for all parts of my well-being. I don't think there's a time when I haven't been overweight and out of shape, and for so many years I let myself and others tell me that this should be a source of shame, like I've failed at life with every pound I've put on. I've let the circumstances of my environment dictate my emotional state, and I feel like I've been in a constant state of reaction, rarely acting on my own will. Spiritually, I'm just really damn tired of existing in a constant state of unhealthy doubt. (A little doubt is good for you. Question the unquestioning!) Mentally, I've just been too unhappy for too long for this to be normal.

I need to take my own advice. I'm always telling people to be their own advocate, because no one else will do it for them. If I don't take responsibility for my life, I forfeit my ability to make any real changes. My health struggles, my emotional well-being, my spiritual duties (to myself, not just to the universe at large) are things that I can change - and I need to start believing that, truly, with my brain and with my heart.

I'm reminded of a particular post on a Pagan forum I frequent. The original poster wrote about feeling unable to approach the gods without a sense of shame and inferiority, feelings left over from her birth religion. One member responded with something her Celtic inspired significant other had once said: "If you approach the Celtic gods with 'I'm not worthy', They're going to reply to you with 'Then come back when you are worthy.'"

Losing weight, losing anxiety, losing doubt aren't going to make me worthy. Getting high marks, getting into grad school, running a successful Pagan group aren't going to make me worthy. Not even the gods can make me worthy. That's something I have to claim for myself.

I won't make a promise to myself, because I've broken far too many of them for my word to have any weight at the moment. But I want to work towards finding strength and compassion inside myself, for myself. I've started yoga again and am trying to make healthier choices in the dining hall; I'm opening myself up to a different kind of spirituality, trying not to judge the experience I do have; I've also started therapy with school counselors, to work on my anxiety and self-esteem problems. (I believe most of them are conditioned responses, but there's a chance I've inherited genetic anxiety issues from my mother's side of the family.)

Essentially, it's been time for a change for a long, long time. I'm tired of feeling this way, and I'm tired of feeling powerless in my life. So this is me, saying I'm not gonna take it anymore! I'm not gonna be my own worst enemy! I'm going to empower myself to be happier, to be healthier, to celebrate the most beautiful spirituality in the world (my own!), not because these things are going to make me worthwhile, but because I am already worth it.

To anyone who resonates with the feelings I've expressed, know that you're not alone and there is hope. At the end of the day, we all have the power to change our lives for the better. And I'm gonna start acting like it.

Namaste, to whoever you are and wherever you are on your path,
Ellen

Mabon with Circle of the Sacred Earth

One of the members of the Pagan Fellowship at Roanoke College is also a member of the Circle of the Sacred Earth, a Wiccan coven here in the Roanoke Valley. (Incidentally, this is the same group behind the first ever Roanoke Pagan Pride Picnic.) Circle of the Sacred Earth was kind enough to allow me to visit for tonight's Mabon ritual, and I have to say I'm glad I was able to go!

College organizations aside, I've never attended a group ritual before. For part of my Paganhood I did consider myself at least quasi-Wiccan, by way of Cunningham and not by initiation, and Athena's Circle at Bryn Mawr conducted rituals in a Wiccan manner (casting circles, calling elemental quarters). The energy of a working coven, full of members who know (and, presumably, trust and at least somewhat like) each other, and who are all basically on the same page as far as theology goes, is completely different than anything I've experienced before. Having an outside bonfire doesn't hurt in setting the mood, either.

The best part about Circle of the Sacred Earth is that everyone is so... well. Down to earth. Friendly, warm, very Southern. The High Priestess is a very no-nonsense sort of woman with a wickedly wonderful sense of humor, and her husband is nothing but kind and welcoming. I felt my shyness start to creep back in (what if they didn't like me? What if I set the altar on fire?), but it didn't take long before the group and I were swapping stories and jokes. Ultimately I felt accepted by the group, like a visiting friend welcomed by a close-knit family.

I've been thinking of giving another look-see at Wicca, especially since I'd like to share at least one full-blown Wiccan ritual with my college's Pagan group this semester. Though it wasn't the first Pagan path I discovered, Wicca was the one I researched most heavily, and there's a fond remembrance for it now. (In the past I've had problems with Wicca, especially regarding how some trads approach the gender/sexual duality of the deities. Being told time and time again that I should connect more with the Goddess because I'm a woman, and that it was strange that I only really wanted to hang out with the God, made me resentful for quite some time.) Now that I'm out of a primarily single-sex environment and getting a better sense of the diversity present in Wicca, I'm glad to report those feelings aren't really so much an issue anymore.

Also, I got to wear ritual robes for the first time ever. Red, crushed velvet, perfect for keeping mosquitoes away. I thought I'd feel silly in them, but honestly? Robes are pretty fantastic. Definitely need to get myself one.

Changes, pt. 1

[Note: this post may be far more entertaining if you put on some David Bowie music!]

Life has been a little crazy for awhile now.

Since my last post, I have: 1) Joined Ár nDraíocht Féin and started their Dedicant's Path, 2) made the transition to Roanoke College as a junior transfer, 3) started a Pagan student group on campus, 4) officially declared myself a religion major, and 5) have been going through some less than pleasant spiritual and emotional upheavals.

A lot of chaos has been introduced into my life over the past few months, and everything seems to indicate some major changes that have been a long time coming. One of the things I'd like to do is seriously pick this blog back up (I know, promises, promises...) to give me something to focus on that isn't just of myself. If I blog about it, it's right out there in the open, and I have to own it. My doubts and insecurities, my triumphs and joys, they're not just something for me to hoard away anymore. And you know, I think I'm just fine with that.

I'm actually headed for a Mabon celebration with a local coven in the area in about half an hour, so I expect my next blog post will be about that experience. However, I fully intend to do a "Changes, pt. 2" post and continue working through all the highs and lows in my life. And then, onto regular blogging! Twice a week? Three times a week? Now that's just crazy talk. :)

Blessings on everyone, no matter what path you're walking.
Ellen

Druids, Witches, and Goddesses, oh My!

This will be a quick post as I've got work in about fifteen minutes, but things are continuing to develop in all sorts of interesting ways.

I've sent in my membership dues to ADF, a Druid group, and once my membership gets processed I can start down the Dedicant Path. Very excited!

I've been reading about different forms of witchcraft too, specifically garden and hearth-based practices, and that's pretty cool!

Also I've been working with more goddesses (Aphrodite, Rhiannon, Branwen) than I have for a long time. It's pretty cool too.

Spring is here!

Well, close enough. The official equinox is this Saturday (3/20), but here in PA the snow has melted, the flowers are blooming, the birds are singing, and the winter weather has finally dissipating. For all intents and purposes, to me, it's springtime.

For me, a lot of changes are going on in my life - a lot of seeds are starting to sprout that were planted God only knows how long ago. I'm transferring from my school to another, for one thing. Fingers crossed my transfer application gets accepted. For another, I've started researching Druidry as presented by ADF (Ár nDraíocht Féin, the Druid group associated with Isaac Bonewits who's my favorite Pagan author ever), which takes a pan-European approach to their theology. My friend and I ran an ADF-inspired ritual a few nights ago, and I have to say I really prefer it to Wiccan rites.

I've never been good with making commitments and keeping them, and New Years Resolutions are often laughs, but I have felt like it's time to get back to my writing and art that I've mostly let fall to the side while being a college student. One of the things I want to get back to is my blog, hence this entry.

Walk With The Earth Mother (Chant)

I came up with this in the middle of my Solstice ritual tonight.


I will walk with the Earth Mother all of my days
Dancing and singing and giving her praise (x2)

Luna, you shine from above
Full of limitless love (x2)

I will walk with the Earth Mother all of my days
Dancing and singing and giving her praise (x2)

Helios, you race in the sky
With humanity you laugh and cry (x2)

I will walk with the Earth Mother all of my days
Dancing and singing and giving her praise (x2)

Musings on the (Triple) Goddess

I recently discovered that the Pagan magazine SageWoman has an archive of selected articles from past issues. One article that caught my eye was Issue 74's "Why We Need the Queen" by Barbara Ardinger. In this article, Ardinger explores the concept of the Triple Goddess, a tripartite deity most commonly associated with Wicca and other Goddess-centered paths. The phases of the moon, the phases of a woman's life, and the phases of the world around us are seen to be reflected in the trinity of virgin and wondrous Maiden, bountiful and loving Mother, and mysterious and wise Crone. Ardinger supposes that this deity concept is too simple for the myriad of trials and tribulations modern women face. As examples, she offers teenage mothers - have they given up their Maidenhood with pregnancy? - and women going through menopause - does a decline in physical fertility mean the end of a creative life? Ardinger also looks at the moon, noting that rather than three phases, there are four - dark/new moon, waxing, full, and waning. Which is the missing archetype? Queen.

Settled between Mother and Crone, a Queen is a woman who has come into her prime, in the perfect point in her life to give back to the community; she has gone through the pure joy and unadultured love of life as the Maiden, given birth to children, projects, or businesses, or mentored others, as the Mother, and has not yet started to experience the physical decline and exhaustion often associated with Cronehood. A Queen has amassed wisdom that comes from experience and is still in a position, physically, mentally, and emotionally, to be powerful within the community. (This may partly be interpretation on my part and not at all what Ardinger meant to imply, but it feels like the concept of Queen could undermine the equally important Crone stage, but it would be completely up to personal viewpoints and preference.)

One aspect that particularly struck me about Ardinger's article was the fact that age and a woman's actual life cycle may not correspond as neatly to the Triple (or Quadruple?) Goddess as some books and websites have suggested. Is a Maiden a pre-pubescent girl, a woman who has never had sex, someone who has never married, or someone who has no children? Is a mother a mother even if they're at a young age, or have no children but create in other ways? Must a crone begin at menopause when so many women show years of experience on relatively young faces? Ardinger seems more to espouse a self-identification that allows women themselves to choose their phase of life. If pushed to do so, I would identify as a halfway point between Maiden and Mother, but I would be extremely loathe to leave the experience of Maidenhood behind. I feel that while I've started to create and give back to the world, I've also just discovered that there's so much for me to do and learn.

Following up on Ardinger's article, I would suggest a fifth archetype slid between Maiden and Mother (as the moon have five faces - new, crescent, half, gibbous, and full). I'm toying with the names of Lover, Warrior, Priestess, or something like that - maybe the name would be up to the individual practitioner. For me, Maiden has a very young association - think Persephone, whose alternative name Kore literally means "girl". So-called virgin goddesses such as Athena and Artemis seem to be too worldly for me to comfortably identify them as the Maiden Goddess. (Besides, "virgin" in the Classical world would not have necessarily meant a woman who had never had sex. A virgin could have been a strong woman who never married, or who kept her independence from her spouse.) I'm still working on how to get a fivefold Goddess to fit within the phases of the moon (although who says She has to be lunar?), but here is a very basic breakdown of the five types within a Classical context:

Maiden: Persephone/Kore/Proseprine, daughter of Demeter, goddess of Spring, taken later in her mythological cycle to be the wife of Hades.
Warrior: Athena/Minerva, goddess of strategic, defensive warfare (rather than the mindless violence of Ares), crafts, learning, and the Greek polis, or city-state. Athens is her city.
Mother: Demeter/Ceres, goddess of fertility, crops, and the earth. Her Greek name come from Da Mater, which literally translates to "the Mother." A mystery cult focused on Demeter and her daughter Persephone were celebrated at the city of Eleusis.
Queen: Hera/Juno, goddess of marriage, women, and motherhood. She's portrayed primarily a woman reacting to the infidelity of her husband, Zeus, but I like to think of her as a very regal woman, proud and sure of herself and her self worth.
Crone: Hekate/Trivia, a triple goddess in her own right, guarding crossroads, thresholds, and other such places. She's been adopted as a patron of witchcraft and magic by many.

None of these are perfect matches, and all goddess can play roles beyond their primary "function." Persephone, Maiden of Springtime, also spends half the year serving as Queen of the Underworld with her consort Hades. Athena could be a Maiden, as a virgin, Mother, with her association with crafts, or Queen, with her association with justice and community. Demeter may be considered Queen of the Earth (different than the personification of Earth Herself - the Greeks knew the physical earth as Gaia) or, when she wanders the planet in search of her daughter, an itinerant Crone. Hera has obvious associations with Motherhood. Hekate I don't know enough about to say what other roles she might play - perhaps Queen of magic, or even cycling back to Maiden, reflecting the joy and awe that comes from learning of the magical realms. If you'll also notice, three of the five goddesses take part in the same mythic arc: the kidnap of Persephone by Hades. (Hekate is the one who alerts the Olympians to Persephone's hiding place.)

Ardinger also cites The Women’s Wheel of Life, by Elizabeth
Davis and Carol Leonard, which explores thirteen goddess/woman archetypes. The more archetypes and faces of the Goddess the better, I say. I admit that it's a bit of a moot point for myself, never being particularly fond of the Goddess, definite-article-with-a-capital-G-thank-you-very-much, Triple or otherwise, partly because of some reasons outlined by Ardinger herself. Keeping this in mind, I still think it's good for everyone to play mental gymnastics once in awhile, looking close at the trappings and tropes you hold and tweaking them a bit. Does every Wiccan need to go out and change the number of faces of the Goddess they honor? Of course not. But I feel like for a concept so deeply ingrained in the Neo-Pagan community, the Triple Goddess should get examined once in awhile. If anything, honoring the goddesses and women who fall outside the Maiden-Mother-Crone trinity can bring the same sort of reverence as honoring those who fully embrace what, for them, is an empowering archetype.