Changes, pt. 2

I promised a sequel to my last post about changes, and here it is!

For a long time, I've been struggling with various emotional and spiritual issues that, in retrospect, are probably very much tied together. When I started this blog I was still a student at Bryn Mawr College, and for a million tiny reasons and one massive one, I decided to hightail it out of Dodge to a college a little closer to home (and a lot cheaper, to boot). Part of me misses Bryn Mawr very much, and I do and will cherish parts of my two years spent there, but my stress levels have absolutely leveled out since starting this semester at Roanoke College. The academics are much easier here than at Bryn Mawr, it's true, but it never really was the schoolwork that had me as exhausted and miserable as I was last year (particularly last semester).

The social atmosphere is less demanding. I don't have to hide huge parts of myself at Roanoke, and I don't have to live in fear of what my peers would think if/when I eventually snapped and what I was really thinking came out of my mouth. I'm not really a fan of situations that exist without transparency, and when it comes right down to it, Bryn Mawr did a massive total on all aspects of my being, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, I'm dealing with severe self-esteem and anxiety issues (more on that later), I have problems putting aside academics to make time for myself (actual time that I enjoy, not just procrastinating on the internet), and I've been spiritually lost and unsatisfied for a long, long time. Sad to say, most of the lessons I learned at Bryn Mawr were about the type of environment I don't thrive in. Important to learn, yes. Incredibly difficult and painful to learn, double yes.

But now that I'm not living with constant pressure, guilt, and stress, I'm beginning to peel back the layers that I've caked on myself and looking at where I really need to be. I'm not happy with myself, and I've started to take responsibility for all parts of my well-being. I don't think there's a time when I haven't been overweight and out of shape, and for so many years I let myself and others tell me that this should be a source of shame, like I've failed at life with every pound I've put on. I've let the circumstances of my environment dictate my emotional state, and I feel like I've been in a constant state of reaction, rarely acting on my own will. Spiritually, I'm just really damn tired of existing in a constant state of unhealthy doubt. (A little doubt is good for you. Question the unquestioning!) Mentally, I've just been too unhappy for too long for this to be normal.

I need to take my own advice. I'm always telling people to be their own advocate, because no one else will do it for them. If I don't take responsibility for my life, I forfeit my ability to make any real changes. My health struggles, my emotional well-being, my spiritual duties (to myself, not just to the universe at large) are things that I can change - and I need to start believing that, truly, with my brain and with my heart.

I'm reminded of a particular post on a Pagan forum I frequent. The original poster wrote about feeling unable to approach the gods without a sense of shame and inferiority, feelings left over from her birth religion. One member responded with something her Celtic inspired significant other had once said: "If you approach the Celtic gods with 'I'm not worthy', They're going to reply to you with 'Then come back when you are worthy.'"

Losing weight, losing anxiety, losing doubt aren't going to make me worthy. Getting high marks, getting into grad school, running a successful Pagan group aren't going to make me worthy. Not even the gods can make me worthy. That's something I have to claim for myself.

I won't make a promise to myself, because I've broken far too many of them for my word to have any weight at the moment. But I want to work towards finding strength and compassion inside myself, for myself. I've started yoga again and am trying to make healthier choices in the dining hall; I'm opening myself up to a different kind of spirituality, trying not to judge the experience I do have; I've also started therapy with school counselors, to work on my anxiety and self-esteem problems. (I believe most of them are conditioned responses, but there's a chance I've inherited genetic anxiety issues from my mother's side of the family.)

Essentially, it's been time for a change for a long, long time. I'm tired of feeling this way, and I'm tired of feeling powerless in my life. So this is me, saying I'm not gonna take it anymore! I'm not gonna be my own worst enemy! I'm going to empower myself to be happier, to be healthier, to celebrate the most beautiful spirituality in the world (my own!), not because these things are going to make me worthwhile, but because I am already worth it.

To anyone who resonates with the feelings I've expressed, know that you're not alone and there is hope. At the end of the day, we all have the power to change our lives for the better. And I'm gonna start acting like it.

Namaste, to whoever you are and wherever you are on your path,
Ellen